War

I've been contemplating about this word a lot for the last 3 months.


And because of too much contemplation, I am at a loss for words.
I cannot move on to my intentions or dreams because I am stuck in this mode.

One very heavy reason for my silence is because I could not pretend I am ok with this word because I am a peace worker.

Wait, I'm tempted to rephrase that. That sounded right in my head but as a sentence it doesn't make sense.

But war doesn't make sense at all, right? This is why it is a source of so much loss and pain.

I just came from two wonderful experiences that are preparing me to form my life path as an artist and peace worker. I had my summer class in Switzerland for my Masters in Expressive Arts for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding and a recent trainors training in Sri Lanka on using a manual interfaith/intercultural ethics education for children.

I have so much plans, ideas, projects, modules, artworks to create! So many doors are open!

If you can imagine how prestigious and unique these experiences are, then you would assume I would be in so much bliss right now.

Sadly, I am stumped. Like I was stumped days after I arrived from Switzerland.

Nothing to say.
All I can think of is war.

So I will talk about war and why war has silenced me for awhile.
Maybe writing about it will help.

I am at a point in my life wherein I feel the extremes of the duality between male and female, east and west, colonizer and colonized, etc.

I broke up with a foreign partner last April because the relationship was so unhealthy it was sucking the life out of me. I told this person that I admitted that I was not ready for a relationship and that I was co-dependent to jump into another relationship after an abusive one before.

Even though this person broke my trust (oh he said Neale Donald Walsch said we shouldn't ask people to trust us because that means we expect something), I admitted to my own part of the problem.

That's co-creation right?

We are adults and we can admit our own mistakes in a situation. But the painful thing about it is that to him I had the freedom and choice to be in or leave the relationship and that he had no part of it. At least it was how it came out. It was as if the person had no role in the break up.

I really hated that. I was really angry at that. I was in rage inside me. I was experiencing war. I could destroy this person's image if I could, even file a police report if I could. And I could. I could do that. And that fact scares me. This fact made me feel what war was about. Revenge, anger. HATE.

What confuses and angers me more is that I am a peace worker who meditates, does yoga, tai-chi, teaches peace and dialogue... and I am capable of so much anger.

And this anger triggered so much anger from the past - at an ex for the physical abuse, angry at a foreigner who got a young friend pregnant and encouraged abortion...anger at my father for his lack of emotional connection... heck even anger at the entire colonial history of my country. I am angry at this person because to him nothing went wrong and that it was only me. I remember telling him that by denying he has no part in what happened, he just said just told the millions of women who suffered war, abuse, and violence that they were entirely responsible for what happened to them.



Exhale.

Truth is, I couldn't blog at all because I've been trying to be careful about what to write because I know people look up to me so much. I am on a spiritual path and I try to be integral in all that I do - my thoughts, words, and actions must be aligned.

But being human and being on a spiritual path isn't about repression and denial. During the training on ethics education for children, one of the bridging modules asked question, " What happens if we fail to respect one another?" This module helps children understand that this is part of the realities of the world which is why conflict happens. For me it means that it is important to be aware of all sides of our humanity. Including the parts that are not peaceful and that the journey to peace includes this part of the experience - understanding the divide.

Lately, I've been reflecting on why I am working with children and peace. Maybe it is the lost part of my childhood I am also healing. That part of me that was lost when my parents screamed at each other and broke up. Expressing how conflict is part of reality to children is very challenging. My heart tightened as I was explaining to the children in my street that they will no longer see my former partner whom they were asking about and were looking forward to seeing.

To live authentically and to embody this life path of peace worker and healer asks me to embrace my shadow and my pain and anger. After all, I believe we cannot hold a child's hand and walk towards peace if we do not know what we are talking about - if we have no experiences of transformation to draw from.

To tell you the truth, I've never been so stressed my entire life as I go through all this anger, loss. I've never had acne flare ups like this since high school. I've never been lost for words this way before nor lose touch with my inner compass.

I know I eventually have to let go of all this anger. I mean, there's so much in store for me that is a hundred times better than this numbing and life force leeching state.


One of the activities we did during the arts for peacebuilding class was to use a mask for expressive arts. The role assigned to me was to be WAR. Reaching out from this fresh experience of wounding, to be war to me was to be cold and to be blank. It definitely made me imagine what it was to be war. And the coldness helped me cry deep inside. Nobody could see me cry behind the mask. I cried because war can silence us and numb us.

I cried while watching a documentary about theater for peace with a clip on a Buddhist monk who suffered the khmer rouge genocide saying, " The mighty never apologize."

But as one probes deeper, there is the other side of this war too.

While in Switzerland, the Norway shootings took place and it got me deeply questioning about every human's capacity to become an Anders Breivik. This brought me back to a a peace camp sharing last year when Bosnian Imam Vahidin shared his experience of divide first hand during the genocides between Serbs and Croats. After his sharing, it struck me how vulnerable we all are - both oppressor and oppressed to be able to experience such horror. 


One of the artistic outputs I participated  in was a lullaby for a  soldier - to convey that soldiers were once children too and that the cycle of war repeats in children affected by war. After the performance, the class was in tears. After all, we have all experienced different kinds of war before.


Whether political, economic, cultural, or personal, war can really take so much out of you.

But as  it takes so much out of you, you empty a lot and offer up more space for new things to happen.


I know I need to let go of this anger But before I let go I realized I need to honor its place in my life. I need to because I believe it is important to heal before we realize oneness. Oneness movements sometimes fail to recognize that. Its so tempting to say its so easy for the westerners have everything and are finding meaning in developing countries to say we are all one. For many of the global south and the minorities (women, indigenous peoples, etc), we cannot be one if we are hungry, uneducated. We cannot be one if we still have the history of colonization,abuse, manipulation, dis-empowerment, and of being used. Besides, the reason we strive for oneness is because we have lost it or forgotten it.



I remember how healing it was to watch this video ago. It is so healing to know that it is possible for men to apologize and to admit their part in the healing journey to oneness.

It helped me recognize that men were also children once, and that their historical DNA for thousands of years was gear-cut for survival which has led them to make co-creation and oneness impossible in the past.

I may not be ready to face him or forgive him soon but I'd like to learn to respect my former partner for being who he is, for standing for what he believes in for we are all free to be who we are. All I can do is to choose for myself and for my well-being.

I feel a lot better after sharing this. Maybe someday I can embody the beautiful letters of apology to the Sacred Masculine and apology to the Divine Feminine by Jeff Brown.

So it is. It is time to start letting go of this anger for I am no longer growing by keeping it inside. Tomorrow will be a new day. Or at least, I will take it one day at a time.

I remember during a very extreme situation with an ex before, I screamed so loud that the power went out. Electricity would run through my veins when I'm extremely angry. I realized that if I could do something with negative energy, how much more with positive energy, right?

Last week, I was in Sri Lanka, the place where Sita, the wife of Rama in Hindu mythology, was kidnapped by the evil king Ravana. To reclaim his wife Sita, he waged war against Ravana and killed him.

I like to remember this story because it marked this important trailmarker in my life of waging war to reclaim what is precious to me, to reclaim who I really am. This blog is also about waging war with my silence, with my fear of being judged for my authenticity.

I am not ashamed of being angry or being hurt and this gives me courage to go through the fire just as Sita did to prove she was pure to Rama after being captive of Ravana. Fire in many rituals is used for purification as it is the element that can do that.

I am so excited about how my life is shifting now and I know I need to cross over from this and to rise from the ashes like the phoenix. Talking about it has now given me release and I am grateful for the safe space for sharing.

and then silence...

i haven't written anything about my alpine experience.
there's so much to say really...
a million wonderful things inside a melting pot of feelings: bliss, joy, awe, gratitude,

and then when i remember something painful....confusion, doubt, anger...

i spent the last few weeks learning wonderful knowledge about arts for conflict transformation and peacebuilding... a wonderful rare privilege to be part of...

i want to say many things about my learnings, my discoveries, my plans...
but at the same time my higher self is asking me to work on my inner conflict transformation

so right now, im just letting this silence flow... and let the ice around my heart crack open.