Ode to Lolo

Art is not palliative, nor an ambassador with a portfolio of goodwill, nor a distraction from persecution. It is incendiary and properly so. It sharpens us, makes us vulnerable, frightens us. All of which is to say that the practice of true art is the practice of knowledge unseduced by its own beauty. We should understand it as rational because whatever its origin, mask, or style, it is memory, it is perception, it is imagination, and it is knowledge. There is no combination more powerful than these four, and there is no void more dangerous to the human project than their loss.

Certain kinds of trauma visited on peoples are so deep, so stupifyingly cruel, that - unlike money, unlike vengeance, even unlike justice, rights, or the goodwill of government - art alone can translate such trauma and turn sorrow into meaning, sharpening the moral imagination. 

- American Author Toni Morrison at the Aspen Institute Ideas Festival 2006

Finally, a small post about my study in arts and peacebuilding! 


....if I could really be fully present in sharing my thoughts with little time involved as I swim in more and more work! Well...I have no one to blame with so much work because, I just added more work for myself! Ok I'm being sarcastic ... but... sigh...I'm currently working as coordinator for the Mindanao Week of Peace again after doing it last year (www.kapwamindanao.weebly.com) but unlike all the work last year (with additional effort on pushing for the campaign Kapwa Tayo Mindanao), this year, I am weaving through creative and cultural activities.


But can art save the world? ...maybe Mindanao at least?
But where is my sleep? and how to pay my next rent?


Sometimes I wish I was just one of those biennale hoppers or exhibitors with regular patrons or performance artists who get to travel for free, get awards and get paid to do art that I feel sometimes never make sense or meaning. ... but that's me when I'm bitter as I work in internet cafes while my laptop is down for 3 weeks because funds have not yet arrived for the non-profit I work for. I can't blame them, its just part of the work of people who do so much for the earth. 


So before I go into the direction of bitterness, I wish ground myself and connect to why I'm really doing this.


I placed that quote by Toni Morrison to reconnect. One of my Professors under the Expressive Arts for Peacebuilding program, Carrie MacLeod shared this in class last summer.


I post this especially today, my grandfather/ Lolo Samuel's birthday.

Captain Samuel Piloten Queblatin and Purificacion Garcia Espeleta, circa 1940's

I am currently weaving in an art action for the World Day of Prayer and Action for Children on Sunday November 20 and launching the second action by children calling for the end of armed conflict. This campaign was inspired by stories of peace workers' experience of running with their parents when attacks take place only to find themselves doing it again with their own children this time. 

The Manila action’s main call will be children calling for the end of armed conflict and to mainstream children’s issues in the Peace Agenda particularly:

• Their care and protection in the Internally Displaced People’s Protection Bill (currently pending in Congress and Senate for review)

• An official commitment by the rebel groups in their non-hiring of children as soldiers in their troops (The Philippines is still in the US watch list of countries with child soldiers)

• To fast-track the peace process to find accord for lasting and sustainable peace in the present generation (currently the 4th generation experiencing the conflict since it began in the 1970’s.)

During the ceremony, we will ask children from migrant families in Taguig under Anak Mindanao and children from the Dar Amanah Children’s Village Foundation in Cavite who were orphaned from the war in Mindanao. We will ask them to burry toy guns and plant seedlings at the ceremony site.

In the afternoon, I will share a short workshop from my training in Sri Lanka last August using the Learning to Live Together Manual, a UNESCO and UNICEF endorsed set of modules on interfaith and intercultural education for children. Afterwards, together with artist and friend Michelle Ting, I will share a mural activity called Isang Habing Mandala para sa Kapayapaan/ One Weave Mandala for Peace. This will be a collaborative mural using the Islamic, Christian, and Lumad mandala patterns of the faiths and cultures of Mindanao using stencil designs and paint. We intend to have these painted on the LRT Central Station Pillars in front of the Arroceros park where the ceremony will be held. 

Of course, this work with integrating creativity in peacebuilding is also personal.


Apart from my own experience of healing  through the arts for my own childhood abuse traumas that have repeated throughout my youth and early adult life --- its also a bridging with my ancestors.


My Lolo Sam was the Captain of a platoon during World War II and he passed away because his lungs failed from years of alcoholism and smoking. This addiction was a means of coping from PTSD that war soldiers never get healed from during their time. From stories, I learned that he was event sent to the psychiatric hospital. Who could blame him? He was hunted down by the Japanese and he travelled widely on food and on a carabao for his life - for he was a Father and a husband. He witnessed his own soldiers being beheaded in front of his eyes. 


I am posting this maybe because all these terrorism, bombings, and civil wars sprouting around the world today reminds me that this is not new. My grandparents' generation who experienced the World Wars are already leaving the Earth in this lifetime. Will their stories be remembered so peace is something we can value?


Right now, I am like a child again having my lunch with my Lola/Grandmother hearing about Lolo's adventures of escape from the Japanese soldiers. As a child, I was so fascinated by how brave he was after escaping death one too many times especially because Lola told the story with lots of pride and love.... Now as a young adult, I look back, I didn't see that it also was about how vulnerable he was... how fragile a grown man can be in the face of threat and death. This war affected him so much, just as it has transformed the lives of millions... the way we see the world... I wonder, how much we have grown and evolved as humanity considering all the arms and nuclear bombs we manufacture everyday. 


I continue to wonder.


Sigh...it's 5:30 am... back to work.  

Exhale and Equanimity

Exploring breath has been so thematic in my life lately that it was such sacred timing to be asked to record a song about breath as life written by Leah Tolentino and arranged by Yeyette San Luis for GINHAWA's  upcoming CD about healing the self and the earth. I am so grateful to both of them for entrusting one of their beautiful co-created songs.

At the heart of every inhale and exhale, the heart of mediation is the awareness of breath.

This has been my saving grace, my light saber, my sword of light for the last few months. From panic attacks to a break down at the airport after missing my flight, to so many sleepless nights, I couldn't have survived this far without the practice of conscious breathing.

exploring studio recording! 

Exhale.

I'm supposed to be on the 5th day of my 10-day Vipassana meditation course today. I have postponed this opportunity for 3 years, putting my work for peace in Mindanao first. Recently, because of major transitions, the need to detach and be in full battle gear with my inner work, I informed all my work commitments and let go of job offers to make time for this particular inner journey.

Its not something new. I have been on an inner journey for the longest time. I've been burning through spiritual intimacy ever since I can remember.

I can still clearly see myself reading through an entire entry on God on the World Book Encyclopedia when I was 9 from my Lola's library on top of her glass dining table. I could still feel my heartbeat after waking up in the middle of the night alone in my apartment as a university student, with the strangest ache after being touched by some mysterious force. I can still remember the crunch and softness of the grass and soil as I danced on the lawn in front of the office after downloading all the energies absorbed during the rally for peace last Friday.

I have been exploring meditation since I was 18 and tried Raj, Zen, and mantra styles. But as I grew older, it didn't really matter what approach you take, it all boils down to a breath, a sit, and an open mind and heart.

Last night, I had a dream about selling my book The Tenth Insight by James Redfield. When I woke up, I remembered that I bought this book way back in 2000 after reading the Celestine Prophecy with the intention of reading it. I was 17 then and I remember experimenting with energy with my two hands and actually saw smoke. It brought me back to a visit to China as a teenager and seeing a Chinese healer stomp through the ground with a scream with his hands with smoke coming out of it. Now 11 years after, I am prompted to read the sequel for the first time which is about the evolution of humanity. Talk about sacred timing as a write an article for the Pacifica Journal about Van James' recent retreat workshop on the evolution of human consciousness through art.

I can remember my first meditation. Thinking about it now, maybe it was the book that inspired me to explore it. I was just by myself and I researched how to meditate online and printed the steps to guide me. I woke up at the wee hour of the morning, made some tea, and made my first sit in the garden.

Fast forward to 11 years after, on the day of registration and arrival at Sico farm for Vipassana, I sat in the garden, made deep breaths, and typed in my gratitude and regrets that I could not go.

I could not go yet I was equanimous - the word and virtue that mindfulness teaches, that every meditator should learn and embody.. With barely a month to prepare, I knew clearly I had lots to do for the Mindanao Week of Peace and my own art actions for the World Day of Action and Prayer for Children.

But one of the the constants in all Hero/Heroine' Journey, is when you question the What If's. If I was on a strict spiritual path, any worldly matter is a form of attachment. Was I attached to my identity as an artist for peace? I asked myself. "Who am I without this war, without the need for peace in the world?"

Discovering the answer continues to be an ongoing process.

I was just at an All Out Peace Rally for Mindanao yesterday and was very much inspired to design creative ways for a major rally/walk towards the end of the month along with some community art actions. I was in the middle of the street, in the middle of Muslims and Christians engaging in an interfaith action to make the call for peaceful actions to recent clashes in Mindanao, and most of all to to prevent another war. I was right there, in the middle of action, the heat of the sun, and the uncertainty whether the peace talks will finally find accord or not. In all the noise, and the swimming in a sea of energies, one really needs to be rooted and centered.



I climbed up the walkpath to see a bird's eye view of the whole event, and felt a sense of peace. With an exhale, I sent my gratitude to that deep connection with everything that helped us weave one collective breath of hope...


***

The truth is, part of my need to take the 10-day retreat is to be able to reveal to the people I love all that has happened to me since childhood and where it has led me and how it has led me to my present soul work, send the heartbreaking email, and then escape out to a farm to meditate. Maybe all this is telling me is to really face myself and them, and not run away.  


This reflection continues.

Anima-gic (and words that can't define the appropriate title of this post)

an ojo de dios in the making by one of my young students during a children's rights and life skills mandala making workshop with children from a conflict affected area last june

I am coming around letting go of a lot of nostalgia and the intensity of inner work as my Vipassana meditation course comes up. Through all these, I am so grateful for a lot of guidance that have been given . This morning, I had a dream of being with a group of dancing women. When I saw a little girl in the group, I felt motivated to join and dance in the middle. The leader then went into trance and drew the full moon and the stars on my forehead.

I wish to honor the special parts of my journey that affirm our deep connection to the sacred and the magic that happens when we are aligned by sharing this post.

Three Saturdays ago, I spent an afternoon with my little friend Genesis from across the street. I engaged her in making an ojo de dios (the eye of God), a yarn mandala craft work from Mexico. It was her last day to live across my house as her family had to move to another place. It was a very symbolic experience rooted from something that moved me to co-create it with her - a special ritual between a 7 year old and a 29 year old at the Diwata Garden.

Came home to a walking ankh on Spring Equinox. On the right  is Genesis drawing  these beautiful symbols on her own on the day I witnessed a miracle and a donor confirmed donating to 3/4 of my funding needs for my Masters in Switzerland.

Genesis, drew me a walking Ankh symbol last Spring Equinox. I have just come home from an origami lotus flower workshop with an interfaith community to express solidarity with Japan and led a ritual of releasing them to the ocean. Did she know about Egyptian mythology and the the timeline of the sun? I don't know. But she and two other girls in my street would dance under the moon and draw spirals outside the gate always in sync with a special time - and a special need.

I have been reflecting about the special power of women and sisterhood lately. It started out last month dreaming about waking up with my sister beside my bed many times. I miss my sister and it wasn't until I came across the movie Practical Magic again after 13 years, that I realized it was also a message about sister-ing my other self and the magical power and roles women have embodied through many lifetimes.

I don't even remember how I came across the movie again. But the story of two "witch" sisters brought me back to many levels of my self. On the surface level, it transported me back to my dream of growing an herb garden and making stuff from natural elements, my own Amas Veritas from a deep dream connection the same year the film came out, and my curiosity about Wicca when I was a teenager.

Myth and stories carry so much power and memory that they awaken so many things in the psyche and soul. So this is not an ordinary movie despite it being a hollywood blockbuster. The impeccable timing of it coming to my laptop screen was an oracle, perhaps of the same magic when Genesis would leave important symbols outside my house.

So many scenes in the movie tapped me into the depth of the sacred feminine which I realized I have been journeying with ever since I made a conscious decision to transition from painful relationships.

The two sisters made me see my two selves and the alchemic process that involves my awareness of the existence of these dualities - the  wild, reckless one and the wise, knowing one. Same blood, yet unique opposites. Seeing these two clearly has been very helpful in my shadow work.


There was a scene in the movie wherein the a coven of 12 women gathered to break the spell and a man's spirit from possessing one of the characters. It made me deeply appreciate the gift given to me by 3 special women who walked with me recently and whom I feel were the allies in life when important tests take place based on Joseph Campbell's hero /heroine's journey.

It made me appreciate the  deep connection I have with these 3 sisters with whom I shared so uncannily- a beautiful healing journey. The similarities, synchronicties, and life lessons were just too familiar that it was such a gift to see my life through their own experiences.   


Since last summer, during a spiritual emptying to fundraise for my Masters, I  have been sharing life stories with my friend Nex who is deeply empowered with her life-work passion in conscious theater  and conscious shifting to align with manifesting dreams. It was this time too that I chanced across the stellar lines with soul sister Erin, a Filipina who grew up in Australia and is an artist practicing ethnobotany and traditional healing arts. Around the same time, I found myself outside a coffee shop at 4 am dream-working the entire evening and dawn away with Juanita, who used to teach at an international school and is planning to promote green living and oneness in school systems.

Autumn Equinox Rainbow at the Pier

Last Autumn Equinox, I brought  Juanita to the pier to ferry off her car filled with all her stuff to live in a conscious earth village in Palawan. Sending her off was an important trail marker for me with a beautiful auspicious rainbow sign from the sky that glimmered across the port.

The strong sacred feminine guidance I tapped into that afternoon inspired me to do a spirit song and a flower ritual with the Echo Yoga community for the equinox meditation. On the same weekend, I led a mandala ritual space making for EarthDance with my friends Janet, Joemar, and Bong. The design was inspired by the seed, egg, flower,and tree of life.

Back at the Alps last July, I made a nest mandala for an evening performance the same day I made a phone call to a wonderful healer who studied under the Native American shamanic traditions and schedule a trip to meet her in Basel. During the equinox weekend last month, I was inspired to re-create this nest with seeded "sunflower eggs" made out of compost and clay molded by children inspired by Fukuoka's natural farming seed ball method (popularly called "seed bombs" by DIY urban gardeners).

On the morning of the event, the ritual leader, Arlene, a native of the Mountain Province saw a vision of an eagle laying and protecting her eggs. Interesting to note that the day before that young Philippine eagles were released into the wild. I believe the depth of the Babaylan indigenous mind and heart revealed an oracle for the mandala to be made that day.

The installation we made from narra and mahogany seedlings turned out to be rooted into the earth's heartbeat too as Nobel Prize awardee and eco-peace advocate Wangari Maathai died that same day. Beautiful things helped shape the event from start to finish up to the release of spirit lanterns to the sky just in time before the rain started to pour. 

Since I started participating in a growing movement to revive the spirit of the Babaylan tradition (1) through the Babaylan Lecture-Ritual Series, my creative process has been in active co-creation with the sacred feminine. There is something I can't name here but in its natural feminine nature, I feel a lot of nurturing guidance.


Recently, I joined a forum featuring key negotiators in the Northern Ireland and South Sudan peace processes which are inspirations to the peace agenda of the Moro Islamic Liberation Front here in the Philippines. It was meaningful to know that they were successful in finding a pact and accord after many years of talks and conflict. I waited until the last opportunity to ask my question whether they took advantage of creative and cultural lines in social engagement for peacebuilding - a question that I felt awkward about after hearing all the legislative and constitution related ones that were thrown at the speakers the entire afternoon. But at the end of the day, the awkwardness didn't matter, because on my way home I remembered my dream the night before, I was asking the same question all over again: "What is the feminine way of peacebuilding that needs to be revived?"

This continues to be my question not just to universe, but to myself. It's not about being a woman this time, but about approaching transformation from the inner, the intangible, and the unseen spirit that all men and women are capable of.

It took me awhile to decide whether I should share these stories or not for sacred stories are usually kept as secrets. Yet part of me feel that we should all normalize miracles and divinations. It is just who we really, truly are when we are always connected with the sacred and truth. Maybe its usually the women who are tapped into these things, I don't know. (Sometimes I wish for once, a man would dream of me. Sometimes, I want to have a good dream without all the secrets like tapping into a lover's affair or a new relationship).

Yes, I still long to co-create with the masculine energy and to bring oneness and union with God through an embodied personal and global journey with other beings and the earth. But for now, maybe its just to run with the wolves alone in the forest.

My friend Yorlene shared that women around the world are tapping into deeper dreams together lately as the earth shifting takes place. Maybe its a retreat into the wild, the hibernation, or winter time as Persephone descends into the underworld - a preparation for rebirthing helping shape the oneness movement through the healing of memory and divides as they remind the people of the prophecies of the shifting times to come.

Perhaps this is a necessary step to union and oneness.

I need to sister this 7 year old in me that never experienced childhood, the 15 year old that had a blood compact with a twin soul in a dream, this young woman bordering youth and adulthood at the cusp of her 3rd decade, learning to get to know and love herself fully.

On the morning of the Japan tsunami, I remembered a dream of myself asking the elders if I am ready to teach a young woman to swim out in the sea... I was doubting if I was capable of teaching and guiding...and in the dream, people were warning me of the danger of sharks which was something unexpected to that place (you know the rest of the story on what happened on March 12.). Looking back, now I know that little girl was also myself.

I believe we can all tap into guidance if we only listen deeply and open up our questions and be open for the universe's messages. Am I now ready to teach this little girl to swim?

An answer came through this video the other day of an Aleut elder who shared about the sacred feminine.
As he was speaking the words of the elder he consulted about trusting the universe, a spider jumped on a spiral drawing I made on my vision board.

And with those beautiful words and oracles, I believe the answer, according to the universe, was to trust and have faith.




(1) Babaylan as defined by the Center for Babaylan Studies:

Philippine indigenous communities recognize a woman (or man) as a Babaylan, someone who has the ability to mediate with the spirit world, has her own spirit guides, and is given gifts of healing, foretelling, and insight. She may also have knowledge of healing therapies such as hilot, arbularyo. She is a ritualist, a chanter, diviner. She has the gift of traveling to the spirit world or non-ordinary states of reality in order to mediate with the spirits. Babaylans are called by other names in the other languages of Philippine indigenous communities: Mombaki, Dawac, Balyan or Balian, Katalonan, Ma-Aram, Mangngallag, Mumbaki, Mambunong. 

*** This post is also dedicated to my beautiful friends Lia, Sigh, and Grace who have always been there for me in my journey.

Practice

In the early morning hour,
just before dawn, lover and beloved wake
and take a drink of water.

She asks, “Do you love me or yourself more?
Really, tell the absolute truth.”

He says, “There's nothing left of me.
I’m like a ruby held up to the sunrise.
Is it still a stone, or a world
made of redness? It has no resistance
to sunlight.”

This is how Hallaj said, I am God,
and told the truth!

The ruby and the sunrise are one.
Be courageous and discipline yourself.

Completely become hearing and ear,
and wear this sun-ruby as an earring.

Work. Keep digging your well.
Don’t think about getting off from work.
Water is there somewhere.

Submit to a daily practice.
Your loyalty to that
is a ring on the door.

Keep knocking, and the joy inside
will eventually open a window
and look out to see who’s there.

The Sunrise Ruby by Rumi

Coleman Barks, The Essential Rumi (San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997),
100-101.

The last 6 lines of this poem was read today by Van James, a facilitating artist (and author of Spirit and Art and the Secret Language of Form) on the first day of an art retreat I am participating in until Wednesday at a biodynamic farm north of Manila.

I'm inspired to share this because out of the other powerful ones he shared while we were drawing today, this one stood out as an affirmation from the universe about my current step to commit to my inner work for inner peace. 

Lately has been a lot of releasing, old patterns and relationships from which valuable life lessons are now starting to permeate my soul DNA. There's a lot to say about what has been happening lately, lots of learning about being fully present to every breath, tear (the salty one and the torn), love, and respect to loved ones to let them be and who what they want so they can also fulfill their soul's intention... to learn that love, lover, and beloved are one (the ruby and the sunrise)...

And the submission to daily practice is a reminder... again and again.

So from now on, I am dedicating my energies to my yoga, meditation, and mandala work.  

I look back at my lack of seriousness in my practice of yoga for 7 years and exploration of meditation for 9. Today, the whole day was dedicated to the Mandala from the cosmological, mythological, historical, and spiritual science perspectives. This time, I am a mandala student not a mandala facilitator. Its such a poignant experience because I realized, I have not been to myself and doing art for my self for quite some time already. I have forgotten that what started me in doing mandalas 3 years ago was for a self-healing process.

Wow...3,7,and 9 years... important numbers... maybe reaching to this point are important trail markers that are leading me to this renewal of ritual and of commitment to my self.


Being here at a farm on an art retreat is giving me the space for inner work and inner  peace. It also helps me emotionally prepare for wo other meditation courses (IAM and Vipassana) that are upcoming towards the end of this month. I have been letting go of temp job offers to go through these and leaping with faith that resources will come... as with all paths, one can only see and experience the unfolding and becoming one PEACE at a time...

 

A Co-Creative Mandala for EARTHDANCE

Hi friends! I would like to invite you to a co-creative mandala making activity on Sunday, 25 September for this year's EarthDance. This mandala to be is inspired by the seed, flower, egg, and the tree of life.

After this, I've got 3 more mandala projects until December. One is with orphan children, another for puja/fire rituals, and a mandala workshop using the ancient Filipino script Baybayin with my Diwata friend Mini Gavino. There's also a possible mural project using Islamic and Christian mandalas. Reflecting on these schedules, this time, I asked for a name for the mandalic co-creations that I can use instead of just solely using my own. What was revealed was the word Diwa-Ta Mandala Co-Creations. This came because I asked about how one can represent and channel sacred and co-creative work. It is not primarily my work or creation. So with this new name, I continue to honor the co-creative process with the sacred, with fellow artists, people, and the earth that take place in creating beautiful sacred circles for ritual spaces, workshops, and expressive arts. There is deep meaning in the name and will blog more about it soon.

Donations to seedling exchange at P100 and P300 for reforestation seedlings help support the work of Earth Dance artists and performers in promoting eco-peace and cultural values in communities.

Here's the link to the facebook event:
https://www.facebook.com/?ref=hp#!/event.php?eid=150141005079692 

snippets from the alps

It's finally September today. 16 days to go until I turn 29.
Had a lot of silence latley. I've been having an intense relationship with my journal on a vision story.

I really want to share a lot about my learnings, adventures, questions, and most of all - ANSWERS from my fundraising, travels, studies, and encounters with new people lately.

To start with, here's a set of nice collage pages from my journal from my time in the Alps.

\

a calling card from an ayurveda spa with a giant flower of life design on its windows! | a flower on my hair for elizabeth mckim and paolo knill's poetry performance | a swiss stamp for my 18 year old collection | a ticket to the local museum | one of my tickets for the cable car up on the alpine mountains (couldn't keep my glacier mountain top cable car ticket as it was given for free!!!)

some reflections during one of my morning walks | serendipity on a note given by a waiter which was left by someone on the table i sat on | an angel's feather or so i'd love to think it is (i believe it is) | a lavender strand i gently pick out from a lavender bush on the way to class from my apartment | a bird's wing found on a path after a meditative walk | a flower intertwined given by my little friend isabelle after we danced with the trees and the mountain spirits

War

I've been contemplating about this word a lot for the last 3 months.


And because of too much contemplation, I am at a loss for words.
I cannot move on to my intentions or dreams because I am stuck in this mode.

One very heavy reason for my silence is because I could not pretend I am ok with this word because I am a peace worker.

Wait, I'm tempted to rephrase that. That sounded right in my head but as a sentence it doesn't make sense.

But war doesn't make sense at all, right? This is why it is a source of so much loss and pain.

I just came from two wonderful experiences that are preparing me to form my life path as an artist and peace worker. I had my summer class in Switzerland for my Masters in Expressive Arts for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding and a recent trainors training in Sri Lanka on using a manual interfaith/intercultural ethics education for children.

I have so much plans, ideas, projects, modules, artworks to create! So many doors are open!

If you can imagine how prestigious and unique these experiences are, then you would assume I would be in so much bliss right now.

Sadly, I am stumped. Like I was stumped days after I arrived from Switzerland.

Nothing to say.
All I can think of is war.

So I will talk about war and why war has silenced me for awhile.
Maybe writing about it will help.

I am at a point in my life wherein I feel the extremes of the duality between male and female, east and west, colonizer and colonized, etc.

I broke up with a foreign partner last April because the relationship was so unhealthy it was sucking the life out of me. I told this person that I admitted that I was not ready for a relationship and that I was co-dependent to jump into another relationship after an abusive one before.

Even though this person broke my trust (oh he said Neale Donald Walsch said we shouldn't ask people to trust us because that means we expect something), I admitted to my own part of the problem.

That's co-creation right?

We are adults and we can admit our own mistakes in a situation. But the painful thing about it is that to him I had the freedom and choice to be in or leave the relationship and that he had no part of it. At least it was how it came out. It was as if the person had no role in the break up.

I really hated that. I was really angry at that. I was in rage inside me. I was experiencing war. I could destroy this person's image if I could, even file a police report if I could. And I could. I could do that. And that fact scares me. This fact made me feel what war was about. Revenge, anger. HATE.

What confuses and angers me more is that I am a peace worker who meditates, does yoga, tai-chi, teaches peace and dialogue... and I am capable of so much anger.

And this anger triggered so much anger from the past - at an ex for the physical abuse, angry at a foreigner who got a young friend pregnant and encouraged abortion...anger at my father for his lack of emotional connection... heck even anger at the entire colonial history of my country. I am angry at this person because to him nothing went wrong and that it was only me. I remember telling him that by denying he has no part in what happened, he just said just told the millions of women who suffered war, abuse, and violence that they were entirely responsible for what happened to them.



Exhale.

Truth is, I couldn't blog at all because I've been trying to be careful about what to write because I know people look up to me so much. I am on a spiritual path and I try to be integral in all that I do - my thoughts, words, and actions must be aligned.

But being human and being on a spiritual path isn't about repression and denial. During the training on ethics education for children, one of the bridging modules asked question, " What happens if we fail to respect one another?" This module helps children understand that this is part of the realities of the world which is why conflict happens. For me it means that it is important to be aware of all sides of our humanity. Including the parts that are not peaceful and that the journey to peace includes this part of the experience - understanding the divide.

Lately, I've been reflecting on why I am working with children and peace. Maybe it is the lost part of my childhood I am also healing. That part of me that was lost when my parents screamed at each other and broke up. Expressing how conflict is part of reality to children is very challenging. My heart tightened as I was explaining to the children in my street that they will no longer see my former partner whom they were asking about and were looking forward to seeing.

To live authentically and to embody this life path of peace worker and healer asks me to embrace my shadow and my pain and anger. After all, I believe we cannot hold a child's hand and walk towards peace if we do not know what we are talking about - if we have no experiences of transformation to draw from.

To tell you the truth, I've never been so stressed my entire life as I go through all this anger, loss. I've never had acne flare ups like this since high school. I've never been lost for words this way before nor lose touch with my inner compass.

I know I eventually have to let go of all this anger. I mean, there's so much in store for me that is a hundred times better than this numbing and life force leeching state.


One of the activities we did during the arts for peacebuilding class was to use a mask for expressive arts. The role assigned to me was to be WAR. Reaching out from this fresh experience of wounding, to be war to me was to be cold and to be blank. It definitely made me imagine what it was to be war. And the coldness helped me cry deep inside. Nobody could see me cry behind the mask. I cried because war can silence us and numb us.

I cried while watching a documentary about theater for peace with a clip on a Buddhist monk who suffered the khmer rouge genocide saying, " The mighty never apologize."

But as one probes deeper, there is the other side of this war too.

While in Switzerland, the Norway shootings took place and it got me deeply questioning about every human's capacity to become an Anders Breivik. This brought me back to a a peace camp sharing last year when Bosnian Imam Vahidin shared his experience of divide first hand during the genocides between Serbs and Croats. After his sharing, it struck me how vulnerable we all are - both oppressor and oppressed to be able to experience such horror. 


One of the artistic outputs I participated  in was a lullaby for a  soldier - to convey that soldiers were once children too and that the cycle of war repeats in children affected by war. After the performance, the class was in tears. After all, we have all experienced different kinds of war before.


Whether political, economic, cultural, or personal, war can really take so much out of you.

But as  it takes so much out of you, you empty a lot and offer up more space for new things to happen.


I know I need to let go of this anger But before I let go I realized I need to honor its place in my life. I need to because I believe it is important to heal before we realize oneness. Oneness movements sometimes fail to recognize that. Its so tempting to say its so easy for the westerners have everything and are finding meaning in developing countries to say we are all one. For many of the global south and the minorities (women, indigenous peoples, etc), we cannot be one if we are hungry, uneducated. We cannot be one if we still have the history of colonization,abuse, manipulation, dis-empowerment, and of being used. Besides, the reason we strive for oneness is because we have lost it or forgotten it.



I remember how healing it was to watch this video ago. It is so healing to know that it is possible for men to apologize and to admit their part in the healing journey to oneness.

It helped me recognize that men were also children once, and that their historical DNA for thousands of years was gear-cut for survival which has led them to make co-creation and oneness impossible in the past.

I may not be ready to face him or forgive him soon but I'd like to learn to respect my former partner for being who he is, for standing for what he believes in for we are all free to be who we are. All I can do is to choose for myself and for my well-being.

I feel a lot better after sharing this. Maybe someday I can embody the beautiful letters of apology to the Sacred Masculine and apology to the Divine Feminine by Jeff Brown.

So it is. It is time to start letting go of this anger for I am no longer growing by keeping it inside. Tomorrow will be a new day. Or at least, I will take it one day at a time.

I remember during a very extreme situation with an ex before, I screamed so loud that the power went out. Electricity would run through my veins when I'm extremely angry. I realized that if I could do something with negative energy, how much more with positive energy, right?

Last week, I was in Sri Lanka, the place where Sita, the wife of Rama in Hindu mythology, was kidnapped by the evil king Ravana. To reclaim his wife Sita, he waged war against Ravana and killed him.

I like to remember this story because it marked this important trailmarker in my life of waging war to reclaim what is precious to me, to reclaim who I really am. This blog is also about waging war with my silence, with my fear of being judged for my authenticity.

I am not ashamed of being angry or being hurt and this gives me courage to go through the fire just as Sita did to prove she was pure to Rama after being captive of Ravana. Fire in many rituals is used for purification as it is the element that can do that.

I am so excited about how my life is shifting now and I know I need to cross over from this and to rise from the ashes like the phoenix. Talking about it has now given me release and I am grateful for the safe space for sharing.

and then silence...

i haven't written anything about my alpine experience.
there's so much to say really...
a million wonderful things inside a melting pot of feelings: bliss, joy, awe, gratitude,

and then when i remember something painful....confusion, doubt, anger...

i spent the last few weeks learning wonderful knowledge about arts for conflict transformation and peacebuilding... a wonderful rare privilege to be part of...

i want to say many things about my learnings, my discoveries, my plans...
but at the same time my higher self is asking me to work on my inner conflict transformation

so right now, im just letting this silence flow... and let the ice around my heart crack open.

inner mountain

My Schengen interview yesterday no longer became too important as while waiting for my name to be called for my turn at the embassy, I chanced upon an slightly older woman who engaged me in a conversation. She turned out to be a person moved by the Babaylan through her inner dance work. I was touched by her presence that affirmed my deep mission of the sacred intention of going to Switzerland.

I believe there are no accidents. No matter how I take two steps backwards because of self-doubt and fear for every step towards manifesting the intention to study arts and conflict transformation, the sacred is always present to gently remind me that I am not alone.

During my ride to the embassy, I recalled my dream last month of the Hawaiian elder who I believed was also Cordilleran and what she said about many of them being in Switzerland. My wonderful new friend Erin who is a Filipina healer and ethnobotanist reminded me that in the Austronesian migration theory, the Hawaiians and Polynesians came through the Philippines prior to their settlement on their present islands. So yes we were once whole.

I shared this dream on my way to the embassy to Nay Angge and Helen, two elders from a peace camp I was part of last year to teach art and document the stories of the elders about peace. Helen, a Swiss Pastor shared that Datu Vic Saway of the Talaandig tribe in Mindanao told her that being in Switzerland was the same as being in Bukidnon - same soil and the same air we breathe.

The Alps and Mount Kitanglad in Bukidnon are the same. 

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I want to share these drawings by two Swiss children Noelle and Louanne the other day. Nay Angge and Helen invited me to interact with their elder Swiss volunteers to the Philippines for a cross-cultural exchange and sharing. The children are from a couple who stayed in the Mountain Province for 3 years to help the community.

Their drawings got me digging through my pile of journals.

Two years ago, I had a dream of a mountain being pointed out on a map. Now that I recall, this mountain could have been sitting out in the middle of the pacific (between the Philippines and Hawaii) with an energy field in the middle. Above is a quick painting of this mountain that I did the morning after.

Last night I chanced upon a dream dictionary which said that a mountain's ascension is masculine energy, intellect and power; while the mountain's descent is feminine energy on intuition and unconscious. Inside the mountain has to do with transformation.


All I could think of with this message was showing up in my life experience now which involves slowly letting go of my connection with someone I deeply care for but someone who is not healthy for me right now.

Perhaps being with men in general is so unhealthy lately.

Before I went home yesterday, I chanced upon my crush for 8 years who has all the great credentials of the "perfect guy." I wanted to engage myself further with a conversation as it was so tempting to share presence with someone spiritual and someone who you know won't-hurt-you-like-the-last-one-did...

...but I realized I need to stay away from men for awhile... maybe for now - maybe forever!

So tonight, I am taking the full moon eclipse as another trail marker on the path to self realization. This time its for self transformation from within by honoring the guidance of the sacred feminine that has always been present and constant ever since.

Swimming Into the Ocean of Abundance

So It Is, I'm a Spiritual Creative on an Integral Life Path.

And the current trailmarker on this path is study a Masters Course in Expressive Arts for Conflict Transformation and Peacebuilding.

It was mid-May this year when I received my official tuition scholarship for my Masters at the European Graduate School in Switzerland.

Its now June and it took me weeks to finally start asking.

I just emerged from weeks of emptying and life path discernment.

Do I really want this?

I mean, I applied for this. My career path is taking shape now and the universe is helping me sift through my gifts and help me see clearly what I really want to do.

But I also wanted to just have a simple life, doing permaculture, farming, experimenting on natural painting materials, and explore spirit singing further. I was tempted to just focus on these dreams while reflecting. I would say these are simple ways of living because it won't require the stress of fundraising and work in conflict affected communities.


But It was my experience in Bacolod with the youth of OK Negros last week that got me thinking twice. Negros, originally known by natives as Buglas, is a province in the Visayas named by the Spanish Colonizers after the dark skinned indigenous peoples the Spanish colonizers). Protect CIAC (Philippine Coalition for the Protection of Children in Armed Conflict) through the colorful energies of Marco Puzon and funding support from OPAPP (Office of the Presidential Adviser on the Peace Process) invited me to teach about mandala making for their life skills training workshop of 50+ youths from around Negros. These young people are learning about children's rights and protection while learning about life skills (career decisions, adolescent reproductive health, among others).

Through artmaking I was able to facilitate important interior life skills - self reflection, emotional literacy and expression, balance, harmony, visioning, and empowerment through symbol making through Mandalas. We also made a mini ojo de dios that we transformed into a personal power amulet necklace armed with their  commitment to learn and protect children in their communities by learning and embodying children's rights written as tassels on the beautiful yarn mandala.

I realized this, working for peace through artmaking is always a passion.I cannot show pictures of the children to protect their identities because of the sensitivity of the nature of their personal background. But if I could show photos of these young people, they show much of my innocent dreamer self when I was 16 when my father encouraged me to apply for a social sciences course instead of a fine arts course for my university applications. Becoming an artist will not give me a career or salary as popular opinion says. I wanted to change the world so I was alright with taking art lessons on the side... but now its time for these two intentions to come together.

After the workshop, I escaped on my own on a 4 hour bus ride to Danjungan Island,  a wonderful marine sanctuary with 5 lagoons and hundreds of species from a white eagle to a bat to a tiny shark. It is only marketed by word of mouth so its not so popular. But boy, a secret place is indeed a magical place. It was wonderful to be with nature and to reflect on the next phase of my life.

It was scary though. There's this love-hate relationship I have with the ocean. Its me and the unknown. Its me sensitive to energies around me in my waking life that I've always been jumpy all my life. So I like living in dreams with deep messages instead for its safer and mostly receptive. Becoming an active participant in my own dream manifestation is like swimming into the ocean further from the shore.

People who venture the unknown often scare me. I am currently reflecting on whether to continue a relationship right now with someone who seems to be just experimenting on how far love can go and somehow I feel he is losing presence on just loving. I'm not much of a risk taker as people think I am. I can dream yes and I let the dream unfold and manifest in miracles and magic. I don't break walls or walk on fire to see if there's something to be revealed. I feel too many lifetimes and present life experiences can attest to already knowing what the outcome is. As teachers say, its time to end the cycle and evolve.

Back at the island, I let myself swim further and touch the caves and rocks beside the island. I asked to be left alone by the guide so I can record a spirit song while on water with the waves lapping on the rocks. Even if I could hear my breath shake with the most familiar tone of fear, I asked the sea... please help me. I don't want to be afraid of you. I want to be one with you.

And with the abundance opened possible windows for future collaborations as I had the luck of sharing a ride with the island's owner/foundation President. It was wonderful to have been able to talk about my life journey and to directly ask him for possible supporters for my fundraiser. That was my first brave step - to ask a wealthy person who can help, face to face.

It wasn't easy taking a step into the unknown. Sometimes it can lead to a dark corner. 

I missed my flight to Manila the next day.  From one abundance of connecting to a philantrophist, I had to pay off my abundance with an expensive lesson by donating the remaining of my workshop honorarium fee to Lucio Tan, the airline tycoon.

Talk about venturing out to the horizon but forgetting my inner compass.

So there I was at the curb of the airport parking lot giving myself a good cry.


How can I be 28 with no secure job and even a credit card? Sometimes I ask myself this when I am challenged with abundance.

The universe is really emptying me so abundance can flow in.

Many times earlier this month when my salary gets delayed from consultancy work as project manager, graphic designer, and module writer with 3 non-profits, my bank account would go zero.

And everytime it goes zero, something good always happens. The latest was a casual merienda meeting with a UNICEF senior executive about my art projects, or an invitation to design an inner ecology module for an environmental non-profit which I've always wanted to do, or an additional donation to a finished project I did 4 months ago.

Abundance is something I am deeply reflecting on right now. Deep in the ocean is a wealth of natural resources and diversity which we cannot see without diving in... without experiencing by swimming.

I was born from a middle class family with the blessings of simple but somehow above average life. My father in his industry and virtue lives a simple life even if he has the top credentials working for international organizations as an environmental consultant. It is only lately that I am grateful for my his humility and practical abundance. He just bought a new townhouse that looked like a simple apartment but when you go inside you can see beautiful furnishings that how it looked up front could have deceived you. Growing up, I would only receive my allowance in exchange for house chores on weekends when the housekeepers were on their days off. When I was a teenager, he would given an ample amount for quality running shoes but if I wanted expensive designer ones, I need to raise the extra funds on my own. He is teaching me so many things that I am only becoming grateful for lately.


Quitting my regular job to become an artist and to do freelance project management was a challenge for my father. I was venturing into the unknown. I didnt know that you need to have more than regular savings while doing this for funds can get delayed as what happened last year that wiped out my savings. So I'm grateful that he was there to help in emergencies even if  I need to pay him back either through some editing or design work for his reports. This encourages me to become more and more independent and to someday give back to him.


My mother on the other hand grew up with affluence from a landed family and is up to now challenged in funds management on her own. But she also teaches me to live for the now and that the universe will bless you because of your faith.

I am not rich but I am wealthy if I harmonize these two poles of abundance. We might not have the luxury of a posh suburban house but my parents own three farms for me and my siblings to inherit... but most of all , the wealth of lessons from independence, virtue, humility, trust and faith.

...and love! My sister asked her boyfriend to donate and he was my first donor. My brother and his fiancee are donating too! My siblings are well-off than I am now and I am grateful for their love. My auntie and cousins are helping out too. This is getting me closer to my family than ever before. 

So I am venturing into the unknown with my savings wiped out from freelance work and limited pay as artist but I am swaddled with an abundance of life lessons.

Am I really worth this?

For the last 8 years I promoted causes for peace, environment, and cultural heritage. But it has not been easy to promote myself. If I have been doing campaigns and communication for development it would have been such a breeze right? But no, I had to go through an emptying process of rediscovering my true worth and value these past few weeks.So that experience in Bacolod helped me see this intention.

Its beautiful how time with the expanse and vastness of the ocean can open up lessons on abundance. Here are important ones I keep as reminder as I officially launch my fundraiser today.


Energy Exchange. I learned energy exchange through reiki practice. It is encouraged to transfer and exchange energies whether through monetary or in kind forms to allow the continuing flow of energy.

Accepting gifts help others share them. This is an important challenge for me to overcome for I am challenged in asking but it allows the flow of energies for others to be able to open their hearts to others.

Asking is about Humility.  My friend Agnes reminded me this as I shared about my struggles with asking for help. It means accepting that we cannot do anything alone. I also believe there are greater forces at work that help push you to the right situations to manifest to your life intention.


Its not all about me. But me as a medium and channel for good. Sometimes I forget this. One thing I learned from singing is that when you sing with effort and conscious of what others think, you can only go on a certain vocal range mostly up to throat level... but when you sing with freedom, you can reach the highest notes with your head tone.

Lastly...

The universe is abundant and only if I vibrate the same energy of my intentions, I will always attract it.

So!

If you deeply resonate with my journey, this human mermaid is inviting you to share blessings and gifts through my fundraiser.Click on the image to start sharing :-)

100 Books Astig Girl Challenge

STRONG & SWEET: ASTIGIRL TWEET SERING & THE CREATIVE LIFE
+ The 100 Book Astigirl Challenge with Sarah Queblatin

My friend Dang Sering, a wonderful graphic design who is also into mandalas and her sister Palanca Awardee writer Tweet Sering are pledging P10,000 for 100 copies of "Astigirl: A Grown Girl Living On Her Own Terms" sold for the Peace Art Actions for a campaign for children calling for the end of armed conflict in this generation.

Tweet  will be talking about her book, creativity, flexing some writing muscles and self-publishing her book.

Please come to Cafe Xocolat, B. Gonzales St., Loyola Heights (Katipunan), Quezon City this June 4, Saturday, at 4:00 pm for a fun mandala-making session as an introduction to my work and maybe learn about yourself through this wonderful artmaking process. 

I won't be personally present during this activity as I am here in Bacolod working with children who are learning about children's rights and are ensuring the prevention of recruitment of children in armed groups. This is for a life-skills workshop through artmaking. I will be sending a video of me and the children here making instructions on the mandala making process. Dang Sering will be co-facilitating from Manila.

Bring some coloring materials (crayons, pencils, etc.) for this funtivity. This will be followed by the talk of Tweet, some Q&A, capped off with really delicious snacks by Cafe Xocolat. This event is FREE and open to the public.

Our heartfelt thanks and warm hugs to the owners and staff of Cafe Xocolat for sponsoring this event. :D

For questions or directions, text or call Dang at (0917) 5337638 / email at cafe_rennais@yahoo.com. :)


To know more about Tweet and why she rocks, check out her website http://dothewritething.ph/Welcome.html and the blog that inspired the book at http://astigirl.blogspot.com/

The proceeds will go to upcoming peace art actions which include the use of seeded paper art and natural dye paints with messages for the GPH (Government of the Philippines) and the NDF (National Democratic Front) in Oslo and a soil painting mural for the GPH and MILF (Moro Islamic Liberation Front) in Jakarta this June.

All these will be done by children and for the children to remind the Peace Panelists to commit to mainstreaming child rights and issues in the Peace Agreement and to inspire and affirm their work for peace by showing their support through various creative participation.

Hope to see you!

RSVP through this link: https://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=221176987900193
  

dreamweaving with breath, song, and spirit

I write this after I just officialy sent out my request for donations to private donors to raise a whopping $5,000 for my airfare and lodging as I take my Masters in Expressive Arts in Conflict Transformation and Peace building in Switzerland this July. I can only be grateful for the full tuition scholarship they have given me.

I know I could have acted on it two weeks earlier when I got my formal letter of acceptance to have a good lead for preparations prior to my Shengen visa interview this June but it was just too hard. I was crippled in fear, self doubt, feelings of unworthiness of this beautiful gift. I took time to reflect and process. What is my true value? Why am I given these gifts? 

I was given two other beautiful gifts recently too: an invitation to be part of BuildaBridge’s International Advisory Council and an invitation to work for an international organization that could allow me to work directly with communities I wish to work with around Asia and the Pacific.

I was stunned. I just stared at my computer reading emails from these wonderful people providing me beautiful opportunities.

It was scary.

I was scared of receiving gifts! How terrible is that?!

So I had to really wait it out, release, and ask for guidance.

Before, I used to rush and panic and purge out all the possibilities to manifest something. And boy did I get to... but sometimes at the cost of something - perhaps a missed deadline or a stressed out immune system. I get an overall high wide awake and not able to channel my energy of the AT LAST! Mode, then plunge down off the cliff once I can't keep up with the adrenalin rush.

Now I consciously try to manifest in a new way.  I am learning the feminine power of co-creating with the sacred and letting the universe unfold through me. 

Of course, I'm still learning. 

But I know this now, I will no longer do anything if my energy is not aligned with it.... if the spirit doesn't move me to do it.

During my waiting out period, I was inspired to write to the people who inspire me to do my work. I shared my thoughts and dreams to Leah Tolentino, a sacred dancer and ritualist with whom I am staying with. She heads a non-profit called GINHAWA (Growth in Wholeness and Well-being Associates) and is teaching Creation Spirituality at for the Phd Program of Applied Cosmic Anthropology at the Asian Social Institute.

When I see him online, I chat with my very good friend Karie Garnier, a Canadian artist and photographer who teaches vision questing and water cure. He is the founder of Our Elders Speak Wisdom Society, which promotes the wisdom and heritage of Native Americans. (Both Leah and Karie are like my parents from another life. (I secretly wish they would come together :-) )

I wrote to Vijali of the World Wheel Project as I have been wanting to connect with her for years.  I wrote to Dominique Mazeaud who is a ceremonialist and ritualist. She added me as a friend and gave me encouragement on my work through an arts network site before.  Lastly, I wrote to Dr. Elizabeth Lindsey of theMapping the Human Story project. I blogged about watching her talk online before and I felt it wouldn’t hurt to connect and just share presence.

Sharing presence. That’s it. I just wanted to share presence with these people I greatly admire.

I didn’t write to ask for anything but I wrote to tell them my current life intention.

My current intention is to work with local wisdom and culture bearers of communities around Asia and develop with them modules and artworks for interfaith/ intercultural dialogue and ecological healing based on their sacred and traditional art forms.

I shared my intention and asked for guidance and to share presence with them for they are the earth’s dreamweavers helping to nurture, preserve, and embody the rich heritage and wisdom of humanity and the earth’s  ancestral and presently evolving consciousness.

It is so beautiful to exchange words and presence with them. I felt enriched. I felt that I was not alone.

So I waited it out still. 

Until one day I realized that if I have to fundraise, should I do self-marketing? But how do I “brand” sacred work? I am still learning so I am not an expert too. So I brought it out to the universe before I went to sleep.

In my sleep, I had a very vivid dream. 

I was flying to Hawaii with a Swiss friend and my sister. I was to do an art workshop there. And then I was suddenly Hawaiian. My father, my sister and I lived in a house. Suddenly an old indigenous woman elder came in. She had white hair and was wearing an indigenous red garb. When I looked closely at her she looked like the women from the Cordilleras up north. My father let her use the computer. She was doing some sort of genealogy mapping online. I asked her, “How come you look like the elders of my country?” She did not answer me directly but said, “Well, we had different colonizers.” I asked her again, “How come you look the same? Could it be that the world was once whole?” She was already standing across me now smiling in silence with her wise smile. Between us my sister was having a fight with my Father. When I realized this, I now know why we are no longer a whole earth. We caused this division even we were once were a family.

I woke up and realized that that was a message.

Strangely, that very same day, Vijali and Dr. Elizabeth Lindsey replied to my emails.

There are no accidents. Only same vibration.

Talking about vibration, the universe is helping out in this department as well.

Last April and earlier this month, I brought my spirit signing for the first time to the world.

I was asked by my Baybayin artist and indigenous wisdom teacher friend Mini Gavino, organizer of the the Babaylan Lecture Ritual series to sing a meditative song and a ritual song together with my anthropologist friend Nota Magno. The songs were written by Leah and melody developed by Yeyette San Luis. 

 

The activity was also a chance for me to connect to the sacred feminine through the Babaylan. But the night before that I was feeling that my spirit singing was too haunting to go with the melody. I felt melancholic. I had just tried to end a relationship with someone I deeply cared for two days before that. So I didn't feel up for singing. So I asked to be guided.

Around midnight, I got an email that led me to the website of Lisa Rafel. And lo and behold! she was a chantress and spirit singer! And a beautiful singer too who was rooted in shamanic practice as a healer and sound therapist. I listened to her songs and was transported to the original intention of the singing. Through her story, I realized that before there was singer, there was the song, before the song, there was the sound, before the sound, there was breath, before there was breath, there was spirit.. All these together, is the spirit singing and the spirit as song.

Again there are no accidents, only same vibration.

Me and Nota (photo by Mini Gavino)

The songs we sang were about breath as life and about being a sacred channel. The experience was scary beautiful. A surge of breath and voice just flowed through me.

And because I was on a healing journey and tapping into the sacred feminine. I asked my mother to be present during this event. And we had a beautiful moment of forgiveness before I sang the ritual song. It wouldn’t have been so special if I only connected to my ancestral roots but not to my umbilical cord.

Interesting to note too that Lisa Rafel talked about using white stones for healing people. Leah the ritualist during the event also used white stones for people to exchange with others to symbolically share their important learnings from the journey of life. 

Last May was my first public chanting performance. But when I say “my” I feel its not appropriate. For something magical is blended here in the process. I am not the only one singing.

My friend Leo Castro of SangHabi, a non-profit promoting indigenous Filipino music asked me to do a prayer and affirmation chant with the public for an event.

With confidence gained from the lecture ritual series, I went to the event. I didn’t bring anything with me. Just my voice and willingness to be a chanel. Leo made a beautiful prayer to the Diwata ng Ulan (Goddess of Rain) that I was to sing and chant.

You have to understand that I have only been doing my spirit singing in my room, heck, in the shower, and when I mop the kitchen. Ok, sometimes during our small closing rituals here at GINHAWA.

But to chant at a public space with a big crowd intimidated me. I mean, I have no formal training in chanting. My only experience in chanting was singing bhajans and kirtans during satsangs with meditation groups. I have a classical voice training background and my voice is really high, a challenge for earthen tones for chanting. Even as I was practicing with a drum that helped, I still couldnt go lower, go earthier, or more solid and whole.

But never mind. "Bahala na" ( Bathala na  = I leave it to God), I thought to myself.

So I wandered around the park waiting for a space to practice and draw out a melody.

  

And just like they have done before, the elders are showing up in the most wonderful of ways. I ended up in a space where large blown up portraits of tatooed Kalinga women from the north and the Reyna ng Sinulog (Sinulog Queens) from my hometown Cebu. Sinulog is a local fiesta to celebrate Sto. Nino, the little Christ. The fiesta was local traditional to Filipinos and the Spanish colonizers integrated their belief systems into the local spiritual traditions and this gave birth to the Sinulog.

And so there was no need to make formal requests, I sat at the edge of a playground, took my sandals off, placed my bare feet on the ground full of sprouts and asked for a melody.

I ended up singing with the deepest, whole-st voice I could. Leo, others, and I were suprised for I haven't sung with that kind of depth before. 

I just believe it wasn't just me.

So I take these inspirations to heart as I sing with the universe to let abundance flow for this coming adventure in my life. I am co-creator with the divine and the magical twists of fate. I know things will manifest at their divine sacred timing and I am now dreamweaving with the song of my spirit... and the spirit of the elders and the guides present...and with inner knowing and trust, things will turn out just beautiful.