is a Diamond.
Multifaceted. Faces of God.
Each time I see you now
I have only two choices:
How can I explain This?
It might be easier
leave the castle
climb the walls
enter the city
and let Our Love be made
All of God's streets.
…I had just come back from my walk yesterday and I was glancing through one of your books when out fluttered a picture of you. You looked maybe 15-gaunt and haunted. Realizing how much I loved you, I burst into tears. I have not told you a hundredth of what I hold in my heart for you. I know that your journey has reached a turning point and I want to give you strength. I have loved you since I was 13, when I first saw your hand move across that sheet of paper. I have loved you in every manner my imagination could contrive. I have wanted you so deeply that my body sang with pain and pleasure. You have become my obsession, my passion, my philosopher’s stone of fantasy. You are my desire, my longing, my spirit. I love you unconditionally. Do you hear me, Griffin? Do you see that I cherish you beyond question, that you have nothing to prove to me? You are making your journey to secure yourself. I am already tethered to your side. If you can love yourself as I love you there will be no dislocation- you will be whole. Bring yourself home to me and I will immerse you in every ounce of tenderness I possess.
Which brings me to this: I am writing this because all this packing up is asking me to no longer carry what is not helping grow and evolve.
And because its part of my creative process.
|This used to be a romantic memory but sometimes, I'd like to pretend this is me stomping on his feet with force.|
|the mandorla experiment|
Which brings me to this question: What is True love?
|Eve must be the entire earth this Man is sitting on. Ah yes she's everywhere around God the Father :-)|
But yes, I'd love to believe he was a beautiful and wonderful person on the inside out. He taught me ultimate courage and adventure, qualities my fear - oriented self who grew up with a wounded childhood has been trying to learn all these years. He taught me to be my authentic self as he has always been deeply honest with his weaknesses and foolishness. I didn't realize there was great wisdom with that until now when I am revealing myself naked this way. Because of my constant fear of him always flirting with someone else, I came to realize how much I didn't love myself to be confident enough to be secure with my own beauty. Most importantly, to love myself enough to feel deserving of someone who didn't need to desire someone else. This at the same time respecting the kind of journey to love he finds self actualization from no matter how different it is from mine. For we are all, yes that includes you, just needing to experience love the way we want to.
This is probably going to take time. Much longer than it took you to reach this part of my public monologue. Maybe I am not that evolved yet as much as I wish I could be like how he can manage being subscribed to my facebook updates because I deleted him. Maybe 10 years from now, my children will find this facebook reference as old school as Khalil Gibran's and Mary Haskell's letters. What's next could be something as complicated as rocket science or my growing obsession on how one can be a hippie yet a hipster at the same time. If you don't get that, that's basically the point if I speak from the state of projection and sarcasm.
The truth is, if I speak from clarity and wisdom, the point is this:
A mandala is born from a point that danced to become a circle. From that point on, that mighty dot that started it all became the heart of things and the core of integration. And the heart, is where all things boil down to.
He was my complete opposite and that broke us apart but led us to a deepening of what really truly makes us whole (at least I hope it has led him to that). We are mandala artists after all.
Maybe this point of clarity in authentic happiness for my freedom with equal regard for his newfound joy with someone else will reveal itself soon or not. But this is the point wherein miracles happen, when I learn to let go of expectations (including that obsession with that dream years ago or even the idea of being with someone again) and just truly work from the yolk within - one sunny side up at a time (or in my case once I settle at Maia where I am abstaining from this amazing comfort food and maybe any romantic relationship: magical healing from buko juice from one hacked coconut at a time).
This will be my true love story : My Dearest Sarah... Love, Sarah
THIS IS LOVE:
" to fly toward a secret sky,
to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.
First to let go of life.
Finally, to take a step without feet."
This "my Beloved," Rumi reminds me, is to really be TRUE LOVE.
It's time to let go and fly.
In loving gratitude to R, with whom I've shared love, shadow work, crazy dreams, heartaches, deep seated anger, mandalas, and important evolutionary wisdom with:
May we never forget the relational and co-transformative nature of human expansion. Although the ultimate romance is with your own soul, it is our experiences together that give birth to the essential lessons. We are each here to participate in this dance of sacred imagination, stepping on each other’s toes and turning each other toward God one clumsy step after another. We trip, and then we get back up with greater awareness. With this in heart, I am hopeful that we can learn to accept one another in our humanness. We are going to continue to make mistakes, but there is grace in that if we see our errors through to the lessons they contain. - Jeff Brown (from Apologies to the Sacred Masculine)